So your 27-year-old son who has a university degree and well-paying job has no intention of moving out? Why should he? He has everything he needs – a roof over his head, his own “space”, use of the TV, DStv, Wi-Fi, home-cooked meals, washing and ironing done three times a week, freedom to raid the fridge, as well as the company of his parents when he wants it.
WHY THEY’RE RELUCTANT
There are many reasons why children are overstaying their welcome at home, says Lynda Blore, a psychologist specialising in parent/child issues. Young adults are not taking advantage of the comforts of home, but making the most of home life to enable their bank balance to grow. Many young adults also fear making their own decisions, while some don’t want the responsibility of cooking for themselves, never mind remembering to pay the bills at the end of the month.
WHERE TO FROM HERE?
Most parents are faced with this issue as a result of their good intentions. “When we talk about loving our children, it means preparing them,” says American clinical psychologist Phillip McGraw on his TV show Dr Phil. “In the world, your children will have to pull their weight and make their way. It is important for them to learn self-sufficiency, develop high self-esteem and be motivated from early on in life. If you are constantly helping them and taking care of their needs, you are not preparing them for the real world; you are actually crippling them. You own the problem as well,” Dr Phil points out.
EXIT PLAN
“Leaving home requires a new set of capabilities, which the adult child may not have developed,” says Lynda. A plan is required to allow a smooth transition. Here are some points to consider and discuss:
- The adult child could be anxious about leaving home. This needs to be addressed until eventually they’re independent – before encouraging them to gradually take on more responsibilities.
- Young adults need to know how to become financially independent. Parents should help them form a budget.
- Offer old furniture, bedding, kitchenware etc to lower the cost of moving out.
- Sometimes a move to a commune is an intermediate step for the adult child if they are not ready to live on their own.
- This is not meant as a guilt trip, but your adult child needs to be aware of the burden they are placing on you as parents as you have to postpone enjoying being on your own without unnecessary financial burdens. Be open and honest, and if necessary, use a facilitator (minister, respected family elder, psychologist, etc.) to manage the process.
For professional advice on getting your adult children out of your home, contact Lynda Blore on enquiries@edupsychologist.com; or FAMSA on national@famsa.org.za, or call 011 975 7106
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