Bringing a life into the world is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life. However, having a baby can also bring with it uncertainty, especially when it comes to issues to do with intimacy. ‘A lot of women fear that their sex life is over after giving birth,’ says Dr Nolwazi Ndlovu from Pretoria. She adds that it is normal not to feel like yourself for the first few weeks or months. And once that initial phase is over, sex can be as enjoyable as before. But, in the meantime, how can you remedy the situation?
GET READY FOR CHANGE
For a lot of couples, changes in their sex life can start during pregnancy. ‘Some women’s sex drive can increase during this time; and if their partner is also in the same headspace, then you can have a very sexual pregnancy,’ says Dr Nolwazi. But, this was not the case for 34-year-old Khomotso*. ‘My husband and I didn’t have much sex when I was pregnant. He was so excited about the baby that he treated me like some ‘goddess’ and believed that we were not supposed to have sex. In my second trimester, I really yearned for sexual intimacy, but he just wasn’t into the idea.
This made me feel insecure, and I questioned if he still found me attractive or not. Thankfully, things got back to normal after giving birth. But, I’m now sceptical about falling pregnant again.”
After giving birth, sex can often be the last thing on your mind as other tasks to do with the baby’s upkeep take centre stage. Johannesburg- based couples’ counsellor Irene Jones says: ‘Taking care of a new babyis a lot of work for both parents, which results in sex being kicked to the curb. At the same time, the body will be recovering from the process of childbirth with doctors advising against sex for the first six weeks.’ Having undergone such a major event through their bodies, some women may have no desire for sex for a while. ‘Childbirth is not an easy experience, both physically and emotionally. So, it is important for men to be supportive of their partners during this time. Just because she doesn’t want to have sex now doesn’t mean she will remain that way forever. The best way to get your sex life back on track is to give her time to readjust to her body and to being a mother,’ she encourages.
A BUMP IN THE ROAD
A common pitfall for some couples is expecting things to go back to how they used to be before the baby. “A baby doesn’t mean that you will have a lower-quality sex life. It just means that you might have to do things a bit differently for a while,” says Irene.
Some of the changes that are to be expected initially include the frequency as new parents will be tired from the constant care that a newborn needs. Physical changes in the post-pregnancy body may also be a hindrance. “During the first six to eight weeks, many women might have little or no desire for sex. This ma be due to the drop in the hormone dopamine, which helps with feelings of pleasure. It could also be due to the increase in prolactin, a hormone that helps with milk production. This also affects the lining of the vagina, which can make sex painful,” explains Dr Nolwazi. But before panicking, keep in mind that this is normal.
BRINGING SEXY BACK
An important factor to rekindle your passion is communication. ‘Speak to each other about your feelings or lack thereof. This will put the two of you at ease about what the other is thinking,’ advises Irene. Another way forward
is to have fun and explore. ‘It is a fact that the baby will take up most of your time. So, where you can, ask for help and have a day or a few hours to yourselves. New moms will likely want to spend this time sleeping, but try to make some time to reconnect with your partner,’ she encourages.
It’s also important to remember that reconnecting doesn’t always have to be sexual. Sometimes, spending some time chatting and laughing will draw you closer.
According to Dr Nolwazi, you must give at it at least a year before panicking. ‘How much time it takes for things to get back to normal differs from couple to couple. I often advise that you create a new normal for yourselves because life has changed, but sex can be just as fun and satisfying. If a year has gone by and one or both of you is still not happy with the way things are going, it may be time to seek help,’ she says. ‘There is no shame in seeking help, even when it comes to your sex life,’ Irene weighs in. “I recommend speaking to your gynaecologist, sex therapist or couples’ counsellor.’
GET YOUR GROOVE BACK, GIRL!
Work past insecurity – It’s normal to not feel like yourself after giving birth, but that will pass. Work on building your confidence, and your sex life will thank you for it.
Rest – It’s okay to be tired; babies can be exhausting. Get some rest; nobody wins when you try to do everything.
Say yes to pleasure – Your body isn’t just for breastfeeding. Take time out to get in touch with your sexual side when you feel ready again.
Make time for romance – You might be anxious about not being around your little one. But, making time for yourself and your partner will be a plus for your love life.
