As their first point of contact with the real world, children model themselves on their parents and caregivers.
So, children will imitate different aspects of your behaviour at varying ages and stages. ‘If I react in anger and curse an unsafe taxi driver, my toddler is learning swear words as well as to shout at and insult people when angry,’ explains Carmen de Vos, senior social worker at The Parent Centre. ‘Or if I continually slap my child’s hand when playing with something they shouldn’t, they might start slapping other children when they want certain toys at crèche,’ she adds.
THE “SIDE EFFECTS”
When children model parental behaviour, they have learnt that this is a ‘normal’ way to act. But, how you behave in the presence of your children has many different implications. In part, this is because children haven’t yet developed the cognitive ability, thinking skills and emotional intelligence to make sense of adult behaviour. Plus, each child is unique. One might model daddy’s aggressive behaviour while another becomes fearful and anxious. Instead of simply repeating your slurs, your child might hear you bad-mouthing your partner and take those messages to heart, believing that they are unlovable, explains Carmen.
SELF-CONTROL IS DISCIPLINE
Raising well-behaved and well-adjusted children begins with modelling appropriate behaviour. ‘Parents can use a traffic light metaphor as an aid to self-control. If you’re feeling ‘red’ – triggered by something – then stop. Give yourself an ‘amber’ moment to slow down and consider a more socially appropriate response. You’re ‘green’ for go when able to model the response you’d like to see from your child in a similar situation,’ explains Carmen.
As a general guideline, it is helpful to try and be discreet when behaving or discussing things that children might find difficult to make sense of. This is according to Pauline Sevitz, counselling manager at Families South Africa, Western Cape. However, because each parent and caregiver has their own moral compass, it is difficult to prescribe a specific checklist of what is inappropriate and appropriate adult behaviour in front of children. These moral compasses are shaped by many factors, including culture, family background and religion, says Pauline. While few, well-meaning parents would condone acting in destructive ways in front of children, what is tolerated and acceptable varies from family to family. These destructive ways include out-of-control arguments, physical and sexual abuse, bad-mouthing caregivers or other parental figures and the excessive use of profanities.
TEACH AND MODEL YOUR VALUES
Furthermore, even when you operate from a well-considered moral code, there’s no such thing as an infallible parent. Additionally, it isn’t always possible to shield your child from aspects of life you consider unsavoury. Those experiences then become opportunities to teach family values, according to Carmen. For instance, imagine that despite your best intentions, your child overhears some swear words and then repeats them at home. This is an opportunity to share why you consider these words inappropriate, what behaviour you expect instead and to model this. Or perhaps you’re the one who swears in a heated moment. Again, you have a teaching opportunity. In an age-appropriate way, you can model taking responsibility for your mistake, showing remorse, asking for forgiveness and reiterating your family values, explains Pauline. Whenever you teach values, it helps if there is a strong alignment between what you do and say. ‘For instance, I can’t tell my children not to lie, but send them to the door to tell a pastor that I’m in bed, sick, when I’m not,’ adds Carmen.
MAKE SPACE FOR FEELINGS
Learning that it is okay to make mistakes, if we learn from them, is an important childhood lesson. It also helps to acknowledge emotion because – for parents and children alike – behaviour contrary to an expected moral code is often a way of acting out negative feelings. Behind the swearing might be strong feelings of anger, even for a child. Acknowledging feelings is a helpful way of dealing with them more skilfully, and isn’t the same as condoning the inappropriate behaviour that they give rise to, according to Pauline. For instance, if your child kicks another one on the playground, acknowledging their anger is part of the discipline process, suggests Carmen. You can handle this by saying: Siya, it looks like you’re feeling angry with Elethu because he took the ball. But, you can’t kick people when you’re angry. You must treat others with respect, even when you feel angry. You can tell him, with respectful words, what he did that you didn’t like.
TEACH ON THE SPOT
Discipline is most effective when it’s closely linked to the situation that calls for learning. So, Siya’s lesson about not kicking others needs to take place in the moment. But, not in an embarrassing way, suggests Pauline. There might be onlookers and your child’s behaviour may have embarrassed you. But, it helps to give yourself an “amber” moment and remember that the goal of effective discipline is to teach children to understand the consequences of their actions so that they can act with self-control, says Carmen.
It’s punitive discipline that tends to provoke onlooker stares and childhood humiliation. When discipline is about acknowledging feelings, modelling respectful behaviour and explaining family values, the experience leads to learning.
Also see: How to grow a love of reading in your kids
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