When a child is involved, there is no real end to the relationship between parents. With a young child, you have a lifelong ‘connection’ to your ex. So instead of holding onto grudges, a better option would be to put aside all past differences and learn to co-parent effectively. Easier said than done, you might think. But what is healthy co-parenting as opposed to unhealthy co-parenting? Some celebrities make co-parenting seem easy, but make no mistake that co-parenting requires planning, commitment and sacrifices.
Healthy Co-parenting
Putting the interests of your child first. Taking responsibility for your actions. Remember that your child did not ask to be born; you both made a decision to be parents, so act appropriately. Putting a parenting plan in place. This will eliminate the possibility of an amicable verbal agreement being forgotten, or words twisted to suit one of you.
Unhealthy Co-parenting
Using your child as bait or ammunition against one another. Not doing something that is right for the child because you think that it would benefit the other parent. Not spending enough time with your child, to nurture and bond with them; supporting your child financially is not enough. Burdening your child with situations that they cannot control, which could lead to helplessness and confusion. Expecting your child to cope with adult issues. Children deal with many “growing up” issues of their own; don’t burden them with more. ‘The key to healthy co-parenting is simple – both parties need to be rational, not emotional,” advises Pearl Ramotsamai, a family and relationship counsellor for FAMSA. But, as most people know, when a relationship turns sour because of a man’s infidelity, a woman’s emotions go on a roller-coaster ride. Happy to be rid of him for one minute, but crying and hysterical the next.
So, how can a woman work through her emotions to ensure that an ideal, healthy, co-parenting relationship exists? ‘Everything that involves emotions needs careful handling when it comes to a break-up,’ says Pearl. ‘When a relationship is over, a woman goes through different stages of grief, at her own pace and in her own time. This differs for every woman. She needs to deal with feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt she may be experiencing. Only then can the two communicate and rationally plan a way forward regarding how to best co-parent their child.’
Being rational, however, is not easy. How do you plan to co-parent when you still feel anger and resentment towards your ex-partner? Pearl says you must not confuse issues; constantly remind yourself that this is about the well-being of your child. ‘Every decision you make, every outing you plan, every visit you allow dad, is in the best interest of your child. It’s not about you and your failed relationship, the grudges you bear or how you resent the new girlfriend.’
Besides emotional and rational issues, another area many women grapple with is how to separate their ex from his role as a father, to ensure that the child has both parents to equally contribute to his upbringing. This is difficult for women who have been hurt, especially if your ex left you for a ‘babe without baby’, and you’re struggling to accept that. ‘Any romantic feelings need to be dealt with as quickly as possible in order to not confuse issues in case of a misunderstanding concerning the child,’ Pearl advises.
In some cases, it may even be a good idea to go for counselling. ‘Boundaries must be set, with both parents knowing their role. He is in your life to be a father to your child, not to be an occasional sex partner. He is not an ex with perks!’ warns Pearl. One thing for sure is that co-parenting does not come easy. It is also not about sharing custody when you feel like it. It’s about parents making decisions together, for the good of the child. More importantly, it requires two people to make sacrifices for their child, which is double the challenge, but twice as rewarding when it works.
Tips for successful co-parenting
1. Out with emotions – you cannot co-parent if you’re led by emotions.
2. Set ground rules: be negotiable and firm, but also flexible.
3. Respect one another: be level- headed and don’t confuse issues.
4. Trust: learn to trust again, though it takes time.
5. Togetherness: spending time together as a ‘family’ is important. When you can do this, co-parenting becomes easier.
Written by Lungile Khumalo
