Death is one of life’s certainties. But, that fact does nothing to ease the pain of losing a loved one. You go through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In addition, there is no right time or way to move on. ‘There is a lot of pressure when you are grieving,’ says Londiwe Tshabalala, a Johannesburg-based counsellor. ‘Because people have different views on grief, some are judged on how they grieve. Some people may say you cry too much while others say you don’t cry enough, and should take more time out. This can cause additional stress, which you really don’t need during that period in your life,’ she explains.
MOVING ON
For 39-year-old Nolwazi* from Pietermaritzburg, the decision to move on caused some distress in her life. ‘Just over a year after my husband died, I met someone that I was attracted to. I knew that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, but I was ready to start living again. I had a sexual and healthy relationship with this man. When my mother found out, she was very angry and felt the need to report this to my in-laws. She said she didn’t want to be complicit to my disrespectful ways.’ Nolwazi says her in-laws were not happy. ‘I was hurt by the way things worked out because I don’t think I did anything wrong.
‘The expectation that I would never have sex again was unreasonable. My relationships with my mother and in-laws are still strained, but I have decided to live my life the way I see fit. I felt that it was unfair to be expected to be faithful to someone who had passed on,’ she explains.
Londiwe says Nolwazi’s situation is not uncommon. ‘This expectation to mourn for a long time and not be involved with others is usually placed on women. It is almost expected for a man to move on quickly. But if a woman does, she is labelled negatively.’ She explains that there is no right time to move on; you do it when you are ready. ‘Although you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, it is hard to move on when all eyes are on you.’
MANY WAYS TO MOURN
In many cultures, when a spouse dies, there is an expectation for a mourning period. This typically takes a year. ‘Ukuzila (mourning) has been part of our culture for generations,’ says Nhlanhla Hlatshwayo*, an elder from Mahlabathini in KwaZulu-Natal. ‘In Nguni cultures, women wear black clothing to symbolise the loss of their husband. They wear this colour for four seasons. There are also other rules around ukuzila.
‘These include not socialising much. But, the rules are unique to each family more than they are societal. Men also go through the grieving process, but usually wear a small, black cloth. Some go through the cleansing ritual earlier than the four seasons allocated to women,’ he explains. This is because in the past, it was not practical for men to work in the field or mines dressed in anything other than their uniform. So, they only had to put on a small, black cloth. Women mainly stayed at home, so wearing black clothing was not restricting them in any way. In societies where mourning is prescriptive, moving on can be stressful.
‘In recent history we have had more women speaking out about how ukuzila can make the loss even harder to deal with. The traditional black clothing makes you feel that you can never escape the fact that you’ve lost your husband. Everywhere you go, everyone knows your story. Sometimes people even avoid you, fearing that you bring bad luck,’ says Londiwe.
The choice to follow the ritual or not is personal, even though there is family pressure to mourn in a certain way. ‘Make sure that you are doing what is best for you. You are the one who has just lost a partner, so don’t allow others to overshadow your feelings,’ she adds.
CAREFUL STEPS
It is important to remember that even though you are an adult, dealing with loss can make you lose your footing. This is a sensitive period; you should be taking care of yourself more than usual, and taking your time to evaluate how you feel. ‘It is easy for people to take advantage of you when in mourning because you are vulnerable,’ says Londiwe. ‘This is why it is important to have someone that you trust to talk to. Find someone in church or your community, who has no hidden agenda. Also, allow yourself to go through the pain of your loss. It cannot be avoided, and has to be faced head on,’ she says. Some of the things to look out for during this time include substance abuse, excessive socialising, risky sexual encounters and other behaviours that may attempt to mask your pain.
‘Many people, especially the young, lean on alcohol, sex and partying to distract them from loss,’ she warns. ‘This behaviour may seem effective, but can cause more harm in the long run. Move on and be open to having fun again. But, make sure that it is done in a healthy manner.’ Finding other people who have gone through a similar experience is another great way of trying to work through the trauma. ‘Find support groups to help you during this time. The first part to moving on with your life is actively dealing with your new reality,’ Londiwe concludes.
By Zukiswa Dlamini
Also see: How to handle tough talks with partners
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