Sindi and Ntando have been dating for 18 months. They’re in love and planning a future together. Sindi falls pregnant. The two are initially excited at the thought of being parents, but the strain of the pregnancy takes its toll on their relationship and Ntando finds love elsewhere. By the time baby Sbu is born, the two are no longer on speaking terms. However, Ntando is aware that as Sbu’s father, he has rights to access and spend time with his son. Sindi, on the other hand, is bitter and uncooperative.
This scenario may be a reality for many single parents out there. And unfortunately, when a child is involved, there is no real end to the relationship between parents. With young children, you have a lifelong “connection” to your ex.
So instead of holding grudges against one another, which will have a negative effect on everyone involved, a better option would be to put aside all past differences and learn to co-parent effectively – for the sake of the child. Easier said than done, you might think. But what is healthy co-parenting as opposed to unhealthy co-parenting?
HEALTHY CO-PARENTING
Putting the interests of your child first.Taking responsibility for your actions. Remember that your child did not ask to be born; you both made a decision to be parents, so act appropriately.Putting a parenting plan in place. This will eliminate the possibility of an amicable verbal agreement being forgotten, or words twisted to suit one of you.
UNHEALTHY CO-PARENTING
Using your child as bait or ammunition against one another.Not doing something that is right for the child because you think that it would benefit the other parent.Not spending enough time with your child, to nurture and bond with them; supporting your child financially is not enough.Burdening your child with situations that they cannot control, which could lead to helplessness and confusion.Expecting your child to cope with adult issues. Children deal with many “growing up” issues of their own; don’t burden them with more.
“The key to healthy co-parenting is simple – both parties need to be rational, not emotional,” advises Pearl Ramotsamai, a family and relationship counsellor for FAMSA.
But, as most people know, when a relationship turns sour because of a man’s infidelity, a woman’s emotions go on a roller-coaster ride. Happy to be rid of him for one minute, but crying and hysterical the next.
So, how can a woman work through her emotions to ensure that an ideal, healthy, co-parenting relationship exists? “Everything that involves emotions needs careful handling when it comes to a break-up,” says Pearl. “When a relationship is over, a woman goes through different stages of grief, at her own pace and in her own time. This differs for every woman. She needs to deal with feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt she may be experiencing. Only then can the two communicate and rationally plan a way forward regarding how to best co-parent their child.”
Being rational, however, is not easy. How do you plan to co-parent when you still feel anger and resentment towards your ex-partner? Pearl says you must not confuse issues; constantly remind yourself that this is about the well-being of your child. “Every decision you make, every outing you plan, every visit you allow dad, is in the best interest of your child. It’s not about you and your failed relationship, the grudges you bear or how you resent the new girlfriend.”
Besides emotional and rational issues, another area many women grapple with is how to separate their ex from his role as a father, to ensure that the child has both parents to equally contribute to his upbringing. This is difficult for women who have been hurt, especially if your ex left you for a “babe without baby”, and you’re struggling to accept that. “Any romantic feelings need to be dealt with as quickly as possible in order to not confuse issues in case of a misunderstanding concerning the child,” Pearl advises.
In some cases, it may even be a good idea to go for counselling. “Boundaries must be set, with both parents knowing their role. He is in your life to be a father to your child, not to be an occasional sex partner. He is not an ex with perks!” warns Pearl.
One thing for sure is that co-parenting does not come easy. It is also not about sharing custody when you feel like it. It’s about parents making decisions together, for the good of the child. More importantly, it requires two people to make sacrifices for their child, which is double the challenge, but twice as rewarding when it works.
