As young academics who had the opportunity to study overseas, Nolwazi and her beau Sisonke returned to teach at one of the big universities in the Eastern Cape. In summer, the young bride would wear shorts, halterneck tops, dresses and miniskirts. She and her husband would walk the streets of the small town holding hands. Needless to say, this caused a stir among locals, and challenged stereotypes and some aspects of tradition.
In modern-day marriages, women are becoming more self-expressive and they set boundaries. But African marriages come with certain expectations and (some might argue) are not necessarily designed to benefit women. And with the festive season upon us, some young brides or omakoti may dread it like plague… But why is that?
The world of marriage is complex. It can either leave you exasperated or thrilled. You have to get acquainted with your in-laws and their ways of doing things, which exposes you to others’ scrutiny.
Part of the welcoming and induction into the new family involves performing bridal duties, and there is no cut-off date as to when this will end. And so performing these duties at every event that is held in the new family, is part of being umakoti.
Based on research conducted by Thobekile Luthuli as part of her studies at the University of KwaZulu-Natal, families have expectations of how you need to dress, speak to in-laws and observe the hierarchy. ‘The wife is supposed to show respect. The way she speaks and dresses up should always show respect to the in-laws and family so that the ancestors can welcome and accept her as a member of the family,’ says Thobekile, and what participants in Thobekile’s research had to say regarding the expectation of ukukotiza – performing the duties. ‘One urban woman said she would go there once she gets her leave but would not spend all of it there. Other women said that this is the time when the in-laws ill-treat you if they don’t
So here’s some of the gems that will keep your marriage intact:
1. Have a mutual agreement
It is crucial to have an honest conversation with your husband before you visit his family. Is it the right time to do so? How long will you be there for? How much money will you spend? What are
his family’s expectations? What are his expectations and what are yours? In some families you might be expected to drop the endearing ‘babes’ or ‘my love’ words in front of the in-laws and start calling him by another name acceptable to them. The conversation will also help you pack the right clothes.
2. While you’re not an outsider, there are limitations
Know that it is your husband’s family and they have always had specific ways of doing things. There will be certain no-go areas for a makoti. For instance, and in some families the father-in-law and mother-in-law have their own specific utensils and prefer meals to be prepared in a certain way. In as much as you’d want to impress or introduce them to ‘new ways’, this might not go down well. It’s safe to test the waters and take baby steps. Your husband will be in his ‘territory’ when you visit his family. Expect that he will receive attention and spend time with old friends, family members and others. So prepare yourself to deal with such dynamics.
3. The festive season is usually a very busy time.
This is usually the only time that people who work in cities go home and have of the bridal duties, you will be expected to work extra hard, not only in your in-laws’ household but also to the extended family. If you happen to have a baby, it will not exempt you from those duties. In fact, expect your child to have many ‘nannies’ and be passed around, cuddled all the time to free you up for those duties. Perhaps you might want to agree with your husband beforehand whether you can go or he can visit by himself if you have a baby.
4. Managing workload and relationships
Despite a good relationship you may have with your sisters-in-law, as a makoti, you cannot rely on them to help you. That’s why most brides have ‘a squad’ or a team of friends, siblings and cousins they can call on to help them when there are big events. There’s also service providers who have seen a gap in the market and offer to help – most likely at a cost.
5. Take the cue from your in-laws
Your husband will protect you as much as he can. But it is essential that you also regard yourself as part of the family. Maybe some rules should be set about what time you get up in the mornings especially if you are not an early riser.
