“You do this so much better than me, could you help me again?”, “Even if I tried I wouldn’t be as good as you.” If you happen to get these kinds of statements a lot, you might be a victim of being overworked without realising it.
Yes, these compliments can make you feel appreciated and praised because you are considered the best at what you do more than other people and it could all blind you into not noticing that the people around you are weaponising their incompetence at your expense.
Weaponised incompetence, or strategic incompetence, according to Psychology Today, occurs when someone intentionally or unintentionally demonstrates their inability to perform tasks, leading to others taking on more work on their behalf. “Consistently, weaponized incompetence leads to an unequal division of labour.”
It’s a good thing to help people with tasks that you know come easy for you, but you need to be careful not to be used, there are ways that you can deal with weaponised incompetence directed at you. This is how you do it according to relevant publications:
Recognise how it makes you feel: The Cleveland Clinic states that you need to first recognise the patterns and how this makes you feel to be sure that you are not reading too much into it. “You can even write things down and keep some data on who does what task and what you’re experiencing. This can help you recognize the pattern.”
Speak up: The Care.com publication states that you should call out the abusive behaviour and reflect on how it makes you feel, instead of focusing on the other person’s lack of knowledge or fear of not being able to perform the task well.
Set boundaries: According to Wonder Mind, setting boundaries is crucial in relationships, especially when someone is weaponising their incompetence against you. “Let’s say your partner won’t step up to do the laundry—a boundary could be that you don’t do the task yourself, and allow the dirty clothes to pile up.” It is also stated that even though you’ve set boundaries, you still need to keep the conversation about divvying responsibilities open.
Look from within: “If you’re trying to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship, part of the challenge is to put a stop to your own people-pleasing or perfectionist tendencies,” states the Cleveland Clinic. It is mentioned that sometimes you are the problem and that you need to establish standards for yourself and what you want from people even if it can be challenging, for the sake of your wellness.
Also see: Signs that you are overworking yourself
