Though we often dread them, how do we deal with difficult discussions with our partners to ensure we’re heard, without making the other person angry?
We need to talk – these four words can fill the most fearless man with dread. Whether it’s a sensitive sexual issue, money problems or about an interfering mother-in- law; we all occasionally have to face difficult discussions with our partner. ‘Money, sex and extended family are commonly argued about among couples,’ says Andrew Burnard, a Joburg-based psychologist. ‘These are often issues that people have very strong personal views about, and so they can become trigger issues for some couples.’
Pam Gillingham, a social worker and director of The Family Life Centre in Joburg, agrees: ‘Fidelity, finances, sexual issues and secrets are usually the most difficult issues to deal with,’ she says. Zanelle, is a copywriter from Joburg, understands just how difficult it can be to tackle a tough topic with a partner. ‘I love my husband, but his increasing recklessness with money is becoming a serious problem,’ she says. ‘We need to talk about it, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or sound like a nagging wife.’ While it’s understandable that people like Zanelle put off confronting problematic matters, this avoidance will only worsen the situation and lead to resentment. So, how can you introduce a challenging conversation, while minimising hurt and confusion?
Have clear intentions
Difficult discussions aren’t an opportunity to score points or play power games. Be clear about your true intentions before starting the conversation and approach it with a positive end in mind. Making a list of questions will also help you to stick to the topic.
Timing is everything
Discussing your partner’s lack of sex drive, while he’s watching his favourite TV show or trying to finish a work deadline, will likely make him angry rather than listening to what you have to say. ‘Timing is important,’ says Andrew. ‘Tell your partner you have something important to talk about and ask if it’s a good time,’ he recommends. ‘If not, make a plan to chat later when you both can focus on the conversation.’ A quiet moment at home is ideal. ‘Don’t raise difficult issues when one, or both of you, is already upset,’ stresses Andrew. ‘This is a recipe for a fight. Sensitive talks require a calm head.’
Start smart
‘The conversation should start off with you taking an open and calm approach,’ advises Pam. ‘Sensitive issues require a sensitive approach. So, being defensive or aggressive or playing the blame game will set the conversation up for failure from the start.’ Pam adds that if you want your partner to change, it’s useful to begin your talk with some positive words and then gently bring up what you feel needs changing. Give your man time
to think about what you have said and really listen to his response. ‘Too often couples get overly emotional about their partner’s responses, without having really discussed matters,’ says Pam. ‘Remember that non-verbal behaviour, like body language and tone of voice, are as important as the actual verbal communication,’ she adds.
Avoid assumptions and blame
‘It’s not what you say that counts, but how you say it,’ says Andrew. ‘Don’t blame or accuse your partner of something you’re uncertain about,’ he adds. ‘Don’t just assume you know why your partner has acted the way he or she has. Most people seem to be more upset about incorrect assumptions made about them, than someone raising a difficult issue.’ Speak your truth and allow your partner the space to express his, without allowing blame and assumptions to cloud the conversation. ‘The most critical factors in any conversation are that both parties take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and that there’s a willingness to really hear the other’s point of view,’ adds Pam.
Be willing to be wrong
It’s often easy to assume things about your partner or misread what’s said. Acknowledging when you’re wrong and agreeing to move forward, by showing fairness, are key to a successful interaction with your man. Holding grudges and stubbornly refusing to give an inch will only worsen the situation.
Ask for feedback
Asking for your partner’s input, reduces his defensiveness and allows him to actively participate in improving the situation. ‘It’s also important to understand how your partner communicates so that you can communicate with him in a way that makes the most sense to him,’ says Andrew. ‘This requires sensitivity, patience and an attitude of giving,’ he adds.
